together for a year and a half now. He is separated from his wife over 4 years and they are still going through a messy divorce. His ex ran off with her tutor and when that relationship broke down she had a few others. My partner on the other hand was on his own for 2 and a half years and he said at the time he just existed. The problem we have is that the children (some grown up ones!) have all reacted differently to us getting together. I have a daughter aged 6 and she has after a 6 month spell being difficult totally accepted him. She misses him when he is away and writes him letters, hugs him and he is like a father figure to her. He has three children, a 21 year old daughter, a 19 year old daughter (who lives with him) and a 13 year old son. His middle daughter has been very welcoming and lovely to me, she and her partner even came on holiday with us. His son is a lovely wee boy and although I still sense it is difficult for him, he is always polite and seems happy when we spend time together. The 21 year old has I think never accepted that her Dad now has a partner (me!), as she stopped visiting him or coming to stay once we started going out, she also only calls him when she wants money and she seems to take the huff over times that he will not buy her something (and seems to think it means he does not love her) – latest being she wants a car for her birthday… my partner has pointed out that she cannot even drive, she already as a student cannot afford the £20 bus fares a month etc and that a car is very expensive including insurance etc but she was not at all happy. That said, I have only met her once and I often think how hard it must be for grown up children who have always known a certain family structure to suddenly have to accept a new person into their lives. I just wonder what we can do to help – so far we have tried to include her as much as possible but whenever we invite her anywhere she always says she is busy or does not want to go – the latest problem is christmas. We don’t live in the same city (not even close) and my partner decided that he wanted to spend Christmas with me (I offered to go to his). His son and middle daughter are ok with this as he explained that they would still have christmas day and that he still loved them etc His eldest however is just off the phone screaming at him about his priorities being in the wrong place and I feel awful. I wonder if we are being selfish. When he decided to come here it was partly because for the last four years apart from seeing his children for an hour in the a.m he spent a very lonely Christmas on his own, he tried explaining that to his eldest but she just would not listen. What should we do? Any outside advise would be most welcome. Not easy.
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Well the good news is that you have the younger ones who live with your partner accepting you. Many parents in the dating game don’t even have THAT. I wouldn’t worry about the older one. She is an adult and can make her own choices. It sounds like she still has some growing up to do if she’s throwing fits that daddy isn’t giving her hand-outs. Just let her be. Leave the door open for when she decides to be an adult and join the family. Whatever you do, don’t push her or pressure her to "let you in." If she wants a relationship with you, she’ll come around. If not, oh well. Let her and her father work their issues out.
Your situation is not easy by any means. My "step daughter" (my stepdaughter’s older half sister that my husband practically raised) sounds about like your partner’s daughter. The best I can tell, they are so loyal to mom that it doesn’t matter who Dad dates/see/marries/etc, she will never be treated well. The younger ones are generally much easier and more accepting. Good for you that you aren’t having issues with the 19 year old too. (that was my situation)
You are not being selfish. She is still hurt by her parents divorce and still has issues with it. The only thing I can suggest is be understanding and roll with the punches so to speak. It is by no means easy or fun, but in the long run, I am hoping it works out.
I can totally understand how both you and his children feel (have been in both places). My mother decided to have Christmas with her new in-laws one year which meant if I wanted to see her, I had to travel to a place I didn’t know with people I didn’t know on the most special day of the year. It wasn’t really her fault, not really my fault and just sucked because that’s how life is sometimes. Giving her time and not demanding she be sweet and accomodating of you in the way you’d like is all you can do now. That doesn’t mean you have to let her be rude but don’t go out of your way to point out what you feel her faults are in this matter and keep the communication between her father and her. He can help by making sure next Christmas she knows he’s wanting to see her and that they should plan far in advance so feelings aren’t hurt.
The eldest daughter sounds very immature! She does not have to like you, or accept you even for that matter, BUT it sounds like she is contantly throwing a tantrum over her dad, just because she cannot get her own way. I think it would be a lovely idea, if he were to spend some one on one time with her. I do’nt know what your families are like, or what kind of incomes you have, but at 21, she should know that asking for a car, is totally beyond the usual x-mas list. Christmas gifts should be recieved in a courtious manner, liked or not liked. but to throw a tantrum over a car at 21… is she a princess?
You can’t force her to accept your relationship, and if she doesn’t want to spend time with ehr dad becaseu you are around, then so be it. that is her choice, she is an adult.
(My brother is the same way with my stepmom, though he has a aright to hate her, as she was an alcoholic who despised him to no end when we were children) BUT… he and our father find ways to connect around this woman. They live in different provinces.. so its usually by phone.. he’l call dad on his cell phone to speak to him, and when he coems home to visit, he’ll visit dad somewhere else… like at our grandmother’s house. and dad accepts that. he understands why they don’t get along, and lets them live their two seperate lives as they please.
You should put more of your focus into the other children, and if the elest comes around, jsut be polite and curteous to her, let her and her father deal with each other, and jsut stay out of the main stage when she is over to keep thigns civil.
I’m sure in time, she may grow up and accept that thigns are how thigns are. so jsut give it time,and give her space.